I've Seriously GOT To Stop With THE CRAZY In My Sleep Already, and Also...I Need to Stop Talking In My Quasi-Wakefulness or My Husband Might Get Scared and Go Away

Okay, in the last week I have had two people tell me they dreamed about my dogs, one person who "claims" that I "made" him have a dream about David Hasselhoff. (But we know that it's the Hoff Power seeping into his brain and he was unable to resist...but really, Chris, trying to play it off to be my fault? When you just are really really in man-love with him? Which I'm sure Beth is TOTALLY cool with, btw. heh-heh), and one person tell me they dreamt about me and another fellow blogger as the subject of an Extra! expose. Do you think we all maybe read each other too much at night? Oh my.

And that brings ME to the dream I had yesterday in the morning (the best ones are always in the morning for me, at least the ones I remember).

Scene 1:
I was with The Husband, and I we were hanging out with the cast from How I Met Your Mother, only they were ACTUALLY the characters on the show, and we were all nervous because these people, they were COOL and we were, well...not feeling up to par. I don't remember specifics, just that we all ended up hitting the town together, riding around in the back of some limo in some fictional city that had a lot of old movie posters hanging up on the outsides of the buildings.

(and with absolutely NO segue whatsoever...)
Scene 2:
I was at my mom's house. I think I was the age I am now, theoretically, but it seemed like I was a student and unmarried. I got a call to do a taping of the same show (could there be some variety in my obsessions in my dreams? - apparently no, no there can not) and I got SO INCREDIBLY EXCITED. I rushed to the set, which somehow magically transformed into some weird dream-world morphed version of the show and characters, where it was now much more like a huge play and there were tons of people all over the place. Then I think that chick with the red hair who was also the lesbian on Buffy began what shall heretofore be called "The Sabotage".

She got really pissed about my talent (of course) and that I was getting the scenes she had wanted. So she started setting me up to get in trouble with the "director", who really in all honesty looked more like a gym teacher in a pink polo shirt and white baseball cap than a director, but hey, we are in The Crazy land of my dream, so roll with it. We were supposed to be on set in the morning (yes, we all lived together, like at camp, DUH) on time no excuses. The bitch screwed up my alarm clock and I got a ticket. And see, these tickets? They made a beeping noise until an official member of the director staff (wtf?) scanned them under a thing like at a retail store, but it was sitting in a stand on top of a desk in the office. (Why were these details so important? Who the hell knows.) So I got that ticket scanned but was thoroughly embarrassed. Ooooh, I HATED that red-headed spawn of evil.

Well, she wasn't satisfied with that. Oh, no. She had to get RID of me, see, because I was TALENTED and rocked the house. (Doing what, I have no idea, because I never actually saw myself DOING anything.) The Sabotage must be carried out! So she planted a bunch of clothes that belonged to the set in my bag, to make it look like I was stealing. I went to change and lo and behold, there was a damned ticket! And that ticket started beeping, and beeping, and beeping. Louder, and louder, and LOUDER. And do you know what it was that she planted in my bags, boys and girls? MANY MANY MANY LACOSTE SHIRTS IN MANY COLORS, just like Whoorl's husband's, from the post I had read that night before. (Seriously, you should check that shit out; I have never seen a man's closet look so perfect in my life.) But anyway, my beeping ticket drew a crowd, and I couldn't get anyone that could scan it and MAKE IT STOP ALREADY! And I saw that Evil girl laughing at me in the corner. The director came over and I was horrified - HORRIFIED. He was very very mad at me. He wanted me to explain myself. But every time I tried to open my mouth nothing would come out. (Don't you HATE those dreams?) I tried and tried, but couldn't get anything out of my throat, BECAUSE OF THAT DAMNED INFERNAL BEEPING MAKE IT STOP IT'S HURTING MY EARS WHY CAN'T I SPEAK OH DEAR GOD SOMEONE STOP THAT BEEPING!!!

And then?

I woke up. To the husband's MOTHERF&@*ing alarm going off. And off. And off. He was home from work that day, as he'd been out of town this past week, and so he was already up and watching ESPN or some crap downstairs I imagine and COULDN'T HEAR THE UNHOLY BEEPING FROM HELL. In my half-dreaming/half-awake stupor I yelled for him at the top of my lungs. "YOUR ALARM!!! TURN IT OFF!!! TURN IT OFF!!!" Why couldn't I do it, you ask? Well, when I'm in these weird semi-sleeping states, it's like my body is completely numb. I almost feel drugged. So all I can end up being at that time is a)bitchy b)loud or c)mumbly and stupid. I hate to cop out, but really I cannot be held responsible for the way I act sometimes when I'm in that state of quasi-consciousness. (In high school, I consented to many otherwise unauthorized borrowing of my clothes because my sister knew exactly when to ask and get a response that I wouldn't remember an hour later.) Anyway, My Dear Husband came upstairs and opened the bedroom door. "Oh, sorry!" And you want to know what I said?

"My f&@*ing god why is your goddam alarm going off right now? Don't you know how LOUD IT IS?!? Why the f&@*would you do that to a person? What the f&@* is wrong with you?!? HOLY SHIT it is SO LOUD and it WOULD NOT STOP! I'm SO pissed off! How could you not hear it? F&#*ing shit what the motherf&@*ing HELL?!?"

This was all very loud and half into my pillow, of course. You must understand, I do not talk like this normally. So my husband did what any guy would do in that case. He laughed. "What is WRONG with you?"

"What do you f&@*ing MEAN, what is wrong with me? I am trying to f&@* sleep, and then this f&@*ing alarm goes off and it won't f&@*ing stop and WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THAT don't you f&@*ing care?!?" You know you can really screw with a person's head messing up their goddam sleep cycle with something like that. ...WHAT?

By this time he could not control his laughter. "Do you know how many times you just used the f-word?" he managed to say. By this time I was beginning to come out of it, and I couldn't help but crack a smile. "I know, but OH MY GOD that was so loud. It's not funny!" He said "This isn't like you...tell me why you are so mad."

"Well, if you MUST know..." I managed to compose myself at this point. But I was hesitant to share, and still a little less than well-spoken as I buried my face in my pillow. "I was dreaming of this ticket and I was in a play and the ticket was beeping and I COULDN'T TALK and I tried to explain but THE NOISE and I was getting so upset because the noise was making me MUTE and THE BAG OF SHIRTS and it's all your fault yours and that stupid stupid alarm why would you leave it turned on if you were here and up already and HOW COULD YOU NOT HEAR IT?"

He just came over and gently rubbed my shoulder with a smirk on his face. "Aww, honey. Why don't you go back to sleep now and you can finish the dream and tell them?"

He's lucky there were no objects in my reach at that moment except for the puppy.

Comments

[DM]

That might be the best dream ever, except for Ms Hannigan being a complete bitch. Was Barney just as wonderful in person as he is on TV? I love him.

And I almost fell out of my chair reading about what you were saying to your husband. Hilarious.

[ms. sizzle]

you and your husband sure are a cute together.

;) sizz

[LAZY]

Makes my DREAMS seem a little dull! ~jb///

[Alicat]

oh hey, crazy lady? Is ricky safe at your house? cause I will totally take him if he needs a safe place to crash. :o)

[Jorge]

That whole story was f*cking sweet. Oh how I love sleep. And weird dreams of aliens on beaches and people who leave footprints and then say goodbye in a letter. Sorry, that was my own.

[victoria winters]

That's AWESOME.
And my husband does the same damn thing with his alarm. I HATE it!

[Chris]

Oh, great. Now, I'm going to dream about your dream and my head? Will surely explode. Add Hoff in there again and I'm a goner.

[Sheherazade]

Dreams always creep me out a bit...so frequently they come from waaaay out in left field, and you're left wondering, what the HECK is going on in my subconscious?

[Kate the Shrew]

"This one time, at drama camp..."

I'm happy I'm not the only one who has such trippy dreams. Makes for a great story, though, once you're coherent enough to explain it to others.

[wordnerd]

What's so funny is how much sense dreams make at the time you are having them and how ridiculous they are when you try to explain them to someone.

Too #$%#$^^@# funny about the alarm clock!

[kristied]

too funny. My boyfriend and I call it "sleepy -talk"...Its when your body is awake enough to actually speak & hear outside noises, but your brain hasnt connected yet. So you end up saying things you wouldnt normally or just saying completely wacked out crap (like telling me to go feed the pigs...)...Of course, i dont do this. Only he does. My mom too.

Oh and my younger sister had that special hour in which i could go in and borrow her clothes with out her remembering!! :) I guess there's one in every family!

[TB]

Insomnia dreams are better than drugs, but that shit wears on you after a while.
I hope you get at least six hours soon.

[Lynn]

If you're going to be crazy, it's best that you do it in your sleep.

[wordgirl]

Two nights ago I dreamed (dreamt) that I was having to show my yoga class how to go into "headstand" and even though I do it without any trouble, I struggled mightily in the dream. Also, they were making me wear shiny, yellow clown shoes. When I woke up, I was very sore and tense around the arm/neck/shoulder area. Go figure.

[FKI]

Hey saw your site through blogmad.. very nice..

Don't worry about your age.. I'm 36 and feel younger each day! I learn more, get more and more experience, and just love life!